Feb 1, 2013

>> giving all my secrets away <<

 photo EditedbyLightroomforBlogger-2_zps8b73c3e3.jpg
"You're wrong, you know. You DO count. You've always counted, and I've always trusted you. You were right. I'm not okay..." -from the BBC series Sherlock
i scribbled down these jumble of words at midnight a few nights since past - the thought of sleeping never crossed my mind as my heart was so full and my throat stifling so many stubborn tears that blurred my vision despite my attempts of shoving them back, and the paper never before seemed so welcoming...

as a dear dear reader, you do not live in my world but only posses such a tiny window into it within such a minute rectangular box composed of jumbled words that it can hardly describe half of the every-day life I am living. having such a small insignificant glance into my world {even stopping by to read my worthless ramblings and extending your interest and love in the form of notes is most humbling}, I should hardly want in any way to make you believe my world is perfect. the world that so often times feels the need to be different; to be perfect. and simply put: it's not. 
I am a silly foolish human being. I struggle every. single. day. and more often times fall as much as having no wish to get back up again. at moments, I find it so cruel, time can trammel upon life casting no sympathy, all the while expecting me to follow and live. 
I have composed a little list of my faults - some of which comprised of my innermost thoughts. I have no wish to sound immature, snobbish, or self-centered in any way at all, as I list off these rather foolish yet-oh-so-affecting woes of life, nor should I want you to think my life is so utterly dismal, in which it is not. I want you to view me as a real-human being, not just a girl behind the screen, and to be completely and wholly honest with you, dear friend, I think it good to reveal the real raw me to the world. I only pray, to encourage any young lady reading this, whose heart can completely and utterly relate.

i. I struggle with false expectations of how my life, at this age, should be like with tons of friends and activities to occupy my time. now, I know that tons of shallow friendships could never replace the relationships with young ladies who I have come to call my close-knit sister, but over these past few months, I have come to realize {after analyzing my heart}, that I truly do love people. I love being surrounded in the company of people, learning their life stories, sharing a smile or challenging myself to make them smile. another name for that, is being a social butterfly, or so I've heard. but all my life, I feel as though I have touched little lives of people my age, and I have often questioned why the Lord has set me aside, apart from a desire that seems so pure and simple. I have attempted to become involved in plenty of activities {sports, speech, theatre, dance, swimming, music} - actually every activity under the sun {with the exception of attending public school} I have tried my hand out, but every time God closes the door. and I have struggled desperately to bow my head and accept.

ii. I struggle with loneliness. I am an only child, living in a small town, in a small homeschool group, in a small community, in a small church, in small social circles, in a small family - everything which surrounds me is small, except for the "great wide somewhere," which encompasses its outer walls. isolation is a word I detest with my whole being, but that's one of the words to which wholly describes my world at times.

iii. I struggle with liking my family. not my immediate family, mind you, although I do not always respect my wonderful parents as I should, but my aunts and uncles and more specifically the person I feel at times forced to call my sister. jealousy is familiar feeling as I look upon "normal families" who have two sets of grandparents {all mine have since past} and friends who have normal siblings who even if they are not always a "big happy family" they love each other. truly love each other. 

iv. I often struggle with wishing I lived *so-and-so's* life with her big family, loving siblings, and flourishing opportunities. although, I love this friend with a sister's heart alone, deep down I know I wish my life was like hers {perhaps, NOT her's but similar}. 

v. I often struggle with learning the purpose of my life. my friends seem so sure of themselves: one wants to be a writer, one a writer/film producer, another a counselor, whilst the other a secretary, and always there passions for life can be so clear and obvious...and then there's me. who posses one talent she holds so dear to her heart but feels like it cannot be applicable to life. to make things. as much as I enjoy swimming and writing and making music, these pastimes do not come close to my love for crafting. and it seems to me, at times, so unfair that everybody else has some desire to support themselves in life, whereas I hold onto just a mere hobby {more like an obsession of sorts} that in reality is just wishful thinking to go into as a supportive career.      

there's so many wars I've fought in my head. so many things, I know I'm not. but with God's grace and strength alone, I promise you that:: 

we'll keep marching on. 

x. | the girl in the garden.
postscript :: have you figured out that I'm a onerepublic fan yet? *smile*


  1. dear, i want you to know that you aren't the only one who's been having a hard time. i just finished writing a post on inhannahsworld.blogspot.com about this past fall and how Jesus taught me so much. i still struggle but have found so much peace when i give all that i'm dealing to the Lord. :)

  2. Dearest girl, I repeat what Hannah said: 'you aren't the only one'. Unfortunately, I know exactly the feelings you've been having because, guess what, I've been there. We're 'hopeless romantics', you might say. :) Thinking other's lives are better than our own, wishing that we could travel more, see the world... wishing our houses looked just like the ones on Pinterest or the Home Improvement magazine.
    Life can feel rather cruel, sometimes, when we realize that things aren't going quite like we had hoped or planned. I don't know how many times I've envisioned things going one way and they go in an opposite direction.
    Grace, remember that you were made for a purpose. That God has a plan for your life! That no matter what happens, that plan will come through. It might take different routes along the way, but you will get there in the end. Seek Him daily, and ask all those questions. Remember that He IS listening... but then you must remember to listen as well. It might take you 5 minutes of just utter quiet. Nothing going through your mind, don't keep asking Him things, just listen. It might be longer than 5 minutes... it might be days. But just remember to listen for Him. He speaks quietly, in a barely heard whisper. He speaks through other people, so constantly be on the alert for His answers. If you want Him to answer, then you must prepare to be told the answer. This was a VERY difficult lesson for me to learn! I still don't have it down perfectly. :) He will guide you if you are willing to be guided. :-)

    Love and prayers, dear!
    The Lilac Gal

  3. ahhh. Grace. this is probably one of my favorite posts ever. I have been dealing with my flaws a lot lately, and it's been rather frustrating... I love how you are so raw and honest. Everybody has flaws, but it takes strength to share them. so thank you for that, darling!

  4. Just keep marching, my sweet sister! I am right there in the march, stumbling, too (& dropping my tuba {hope that makes you smile &/or laugh - wink}). It is the lot of humanity to feel all these things - & then to think we are going crazy & wonder if it runs in the family... when it merely runs in humanity. I have shared so much of the things you have listed... my true friendships have always been with younger ones or much older ones {& never the tween shall meet=)}, & I wonder why I can't find a kindred spirit my own age & I ponder if I belong in a different era, but God doesn't make mistakes & needs us 'vintage ones' to make sweet the present. I, too, have a trying older sister that until last Thanksgiving, hadn't spoken to me {or any of the family} in a year or more... she finds it a chore and a pain to be with us, but she did come on Christmas last, but deep down I thought a poor thought that it was easier when she didn't speak to us at all, but we are called to love as Christ loved us when were ourselves were dirty & without a prayer. My life's work is also eluding & I fear it all the more as I am older &, yes, my expectations fall flat. But then I realize that God must have something better up His sleeve & I don't want the remaining scraps, but the whole of His good plans - so I submit & say, "Here I am. I will trust & obey." The other night I was sitting in my car about to head into work - it's a job that has nothing to do with my education - & simply going & being there reiterate I'm not where I want to be so much so that I have to will myself to go & give myself pep talks on the drive over & struggle to keep the tears from falling {no red eyes at work}, when a song came on the radio {I am convinced He speaks through my car radio} - it was a song I never heard before - & I just knew He was there & working in the invisible... little robins began to hop around close by, I spied them out my car window, & they spied me, & I watched them soar & I knew He cares for these & so much more for me & us & you.
    Love Forever to my Favorite Little Sister I've Ever Had,
    P.S.: I'll post the song on my blog for ya to listen to!

  5. i think when we're in our teens we all struggle with identity things. I can't say i understand your difficulties...i can only imagine. But i have some of the same difficulties; hating to be lonely, wishing to be like other people, wanting to *know* what my path in life would be, longing to be understood...and the list could go on. the thing is that there isn't just ONE way to live your life. there isn't one RIGHT career. it isn't like that. we have to seek God for our lives. no one, never ever, will be able to complete the desires of our hearts like God can. i know what it's like to want somebody, but the truth is that when we really seek God for ourselves he will respond to us, and we will find peace and joy and satisfaction that we can't find anywhere else. we can't know our future, but God can. if you seek Him for direction in your decisions, He will guide you in the things that will fit perfectly with the plans he has for you.

    I know you've probably heard all this before, but i just wanted you to know that there's someone else out there struggling with the same things...i'll be praying for you dear.


    p.s. i'm sorry this is so long and rambling. :(

  6. oh oh girl I feel you on so many of these things. I think we all feel so many of these things (at least I know I do) and struggle with them secretly to ourselves. thank you for sharing your heart!
    on the second one about loneliness, I feel ya. sometimes I feel lonely, our family moved last year and I don't have as many close friends and we do have a small family. this fall my sister is going off to college so it will be just me:\ but I am so glad I have the Lord:)and skype/letters/all that good stuff helps:)

    your last one too I also feel ya:) it feels like everyone knows what they want in life/they're purpose and then I am over here having no idea:P I know though if I keep praying and trusting in the Lord he will show me His path for me.
    I can relate to all of these though and I will pray for you:)
    love the photo and... well, the quote of course:)

  7. Girl, I CAN RELATE. My goodness, can I. :) I too struggle with loneliness at times. True, I come from a big (BIG) family--I have 8 brothers and sisters, all older than me. But 5 of them are adopted, and all 5 have mental problems, including me 2 older sisters who are still at home with me. I am close to them, but I can't relate with them. And the purpose of my life is still unclear... I enjoy doing so many things, like you said, playing music, taking pictures, writing, anything with horses, but how does one include all that into life? It works now, but what about when I get older? So, now that I've given you a bunch of details you didn't need to know, at least you know you aren't alone. :) We all struggle with this, I think, and thank you, Grace, for sharing your heart so freely and openly with us. It is hard to be content with our lives at times, when we see others that we know and love living a completely different (and in our opinion) better life than we are. Like for me, I dislike AZ with a passion. And I've lived here for 13 years. And will probably live here for many more years, just because all my loved ones are here, so I am trying to be content with where the Lord has placed me. *sigh* It's hard though, yes?

    :) You are such a beautiful and talented young lady, Grace, and I'm sure that God has a perfect place for your gifts and talents. :) 'Making things' is such a wonderful thing for someone to be so passionate about--and it touches many many people when you use those talents to do things you love. :)

    I am praying for you, girl, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to call me up. :) <3 You are a treasure.


  8. thank you all, dearies, for sharing YOUR heart and for all the encouragement!!! just to know that other young ladies out there can relate to this is overwhelming, and I feel so wonderfully blessed that you are my readers! *hugs*

  9. Hi, Grace.
    (almost wrote Gracie...one of my dearest friends is named Grace and I always call her Gracie and so it seems odd to write Grace...old habit die hard. Anyway...)

    You drew me in at the Sherlock quote (I'm lame...I know) but as I started reading this I started thinking, "Yes." and "You go girl!" and "Been there, done that, overcame only by the grace of God." And when I got to the paragraph about family I felt a sorta kindred spirit-ness. My immediate family is awesome...but my extended family. I love them to bits but they are not good people. They do really bad and hurtful things and at times are not so lovable. In 2010, the hardest year of my life, the same week our little baby died and my sister graduated high school, there was a big blow up, they stopped talking to us and started spreading some really nasty lies about us. It was hard to see people I loved and admired doing this to *me* and my dear immediate family. I struggled with some resentment and I'll be honest...it hurts. The other day, of all things, I saw a family picture and just started bawling thinking of all the family pictures I haven't taken with them. I know...pretty pathetic but to an Italian who believes family is everything that hurts. However then I started thinking (it happens *grin*.) I may not be able to take pictures with them but I have been blessed with an immediate family. And I will take pictures with them. And when I start missing the times (eg. holiday dinners) I could be having with them, I think of when my sibling and I start getting married and having our own children and how we will build a family for them. So dear Grace, my awesome Anglophile, you may not have extended family but love your parents and build a strong family with them. And one day when you have children you will build a family with them. And also treasure the friends God has placed in your life -the ones who are like family. Because they...they are invaluable. And the bonds of friendship -especially if they are believers- tend to be deeper and stronger than the bonds of blood.

    Oh, dear. I've talked too much again. *sigh* My lot in life :)


  10. Grace,

    I can't say 'thank-you' enough times for posting this. Far too many people post the 'good things' in life that define them; rarely does anyone ever post the 'not-so-good' aspects of their life - and the latter defines a person SO much.

    Also, I've nevereverever heard an only child say 'I'm lonely'. I don't know why I haven't, but I guess my friends who are only children are too scared to tell me, though in my heart I KNOW that they probably are suffering from some form of lonliness. Thank you for sharing your real heart with us, dear.

    I love you so so so much.

    xxx acacia

  11. Okay, so I jumped and did happy dances over this picture and that quote. Now, the writing portion I will comment on in your letter (that will be 100% typewritten (; ) I love you immensely doll, and we should Skype next Saturday, yes?

    1. Oh, typewritten?! so very excited!!! Oh, yes! If evenings work out for you, as it will be my pastor's wife's birthday party during the day, but we should definitely settled down to chat over a chai next weekend, k? xoxo

  12. Grace, I love this post. So, so, so much. Thank you for your honesty. I know that it must be hard to put yourself out there and become vulnerable, but I know that we all appreciate it. I can completely sympathize with struggling to find a purpose in life. I have the same problem.

    All in all, thank you.

  13. Grace, I loved the quote as I did this entire post. You mentioned you did not want to seem stuck-up or self-centered in any way, and let me assure you that you did not sounds that way at all.

    with love,
    Anne Marie

  14. #2 & #3 & #4. These are the things I feel so much now too. We live in a smallish town also and it's like... ugg... and I don't always love my family as much as I should. And though I have a big family, sometimes I wish I didn't. Now that I've blow my case, I'm just going to be honest and say that sometimes having four siblings all looking up to you, having to share all your things, being interrupted when you are trying to study is not as day dreamy as I sometimes make it out to be. And sometimes I get frustrated with them and don't love them as much as I should. And sometimes I wonder if anyone really cares about my feelings.

    But you see, we are all humans. We all can laugh and love and forgive and forget and love better. That's the point of the whole matter, no matter who you are, no matter where you are, you can be happy because you can love. And knowing you, you could love the whole world away.

    Sorry for the mini-sermon. I like my soapbox. :)
    -your turkey foreva-

  15. p.s. that picture is beautiful. will you come over and photography my stuff, please?

  16. First of all, I agree with Gabby~you take gorgeous photos! Sometimes, I read your blog, and wish I was in your place~only child, small town where you know and love everyone, and that adorable little coffee shop you shared with us~you see, I am the oldest of five children, and live at the very top of a hill and hardly know any of our neighbors~save the lady next door who seems to mow her lawn every day in the warm weather! Sometimes, I wish I could live in the adorable town you describe~but then I remember that God put me HERE and you THERE and for that, there must be a reason that we will find out someday! I may not always be happy with it, but that's the way it is, so, as my dad would say, "Buck up and deal with it!";) (it used to be 'Buck up and put on your big boy britches, which he said to my brothers, but hardly seems appropriate to use in this sentence:) I love popping over to your blog when I need some comfort~and I always find it! Thanks so much for being who you are~I don't know what I would do without it!

    1. Thank you, deary! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your kind words. Yes, it is rather hard to just trust in God and grasp the verse, "for such a time as this," especially when the vision seems unclear. But someday it will be made clear, and we'll look back and SEE that God most definitely knew best in all circumstances. ;)

      Thank you again for the sweet note, dear! xoxo

      postscript :: Just to let you know, while we do have a very sweet coffee shop in our downtown district, the one I share most oftentimes here in my garden is in Disneyland miles and miles away. ;)

  17. P.S. This quote is my 'Key Quote of the Week', maybe you will find some comfort in it! I know I have!

    Expect great things from God;
    Attempt great things for God~
    ~William Carey

  18. Lovely writings, Grace! I, too, have struggled with several things in the past few months. For a while, though, wanted to keep it hidden from my dear blogging friends. I didn't think people wanted to hear about the not-so-good things in my life, but now I realize it might just make it easier for others. We all struggle, so why not help each other along the way too? :-) There should be room for both the lovely things in life, the ordinary, and the challenges and trials. Life is sometimes messy, but beautiful too!