and maybe i was just dreaming out loud...

if we're only looking back, we will drive ourselves insane 

as frienship goes, resentment grows

we will walk our different ways. 

but these are the days that bind us together, forever

and those little things define us, forever 

forever 

// bastille, "bad blood" // 

for a second there, 

I thought you were home. 

after all those lonely nights 

i tossed and turned 

sifting all my dreams 

through the sheets, 

i thought 

i had finally come home 

to dust carved tables and chairs 

and lattice window sills that 

needed a good cleaning.

// and then i left again // 

and things c o l l a p s e d 

into what they always 

had been. i knew 

that they would

when i stepped out the door 

for the last time, 

just as strongly 

as i knew i was falling in love

every time i stepped through the 

threshold. 

(i was fighting hard not to

but falling more and more in love 

every time that door swung open 

and creaked shut, 

was hopelessly inevitable). 

 yet i knew, it wouldn't 

always be this way. 

// it couldn't be. //

i was the impossible girl after all.
but it's still a hard thing to swallow 
when home shuts as easily 
as the leaves of a book 
when that front door slammed 
behind me for the last time. 

life would change, 
or settle back into what you 
call normalcy, 
when i stepped out again 
just as quickly as i came. 
i would start living my life 
in pieces again. 
yes, i would live in the past, 
and you? you would be well 
ahead in the future. 

and you know what happened?
just that.

and maybe it was all just in my head. 

maybe that home really didn't/doesn't 

exist anywhere else except for 

my journal pages and 

the instagram photos 

and the facebook statuses - 

in the fading past that is better 

locked up in the dusty attic. 

maybe i was merely those 

few hours in your head, 

when you are years in mine. 

maybe i was simply dreaming of 

all that we were and all that we could be - 

the life that i would live if ever i 

had the opportunity - 

when i glanced up across the room 

to see you smile and laugh without any restraint. 

guess i was simply 

// dreaming out loud. //

now, i'm here

wondering how i'm 

going to get myself back

h o m e.

listen // one || two || three

|| some instas from late aug. - early sept. || 

2:00 A.M. tea // a photo essay

funny how those little moments - those smallest of things seem to take the most room in your heart. like those nights by the fire were probably my favorites {wonder why?}, and I kind of wonder how much fun we really would have had without that 4:00 AM chat when everything {scarily enough} seemed to spill out on the cold wood table {do you even remember half of what I said? i'm afraid you probably remember the other half I can't recall}. i can't remember the last time it felt so good to be honest. vulnerable {really vulnerable} but really truly honest. like, past the point of no return honest. but i knew you wouldn't judge - or, i nearly bit my lip off after stammering something i never thought in a million years i'd have the courage to say. and i think, that's what glues friendships. those chats early in the morning, when we could see the silhouettes cast by the dawning sun that you somehow forget because of your drooping eyelids and near exhaustion but not really.
  
now, i'm back to the beginning again. you're living your life, and i'm living mine - or struggling to at least. it took me a week and a half to stop crying when I woke up with a start in the middle of the night knowing you weren't here - or I wasn't there or that we weren't together. that empty distance has filled its void with miles and miles of that bleak road, but in my heart i know there's a few more memories tucked in there that weren't there before. two AM teas consisting of fandom cuppas brewed with giggles, squeals, and loads of doctor who included.

xx the girl who waited for that 4 AM chat and the 2 AM tea
postscript // will be gone for a few weeks, darling with many adventures to share. love ya all too much than words can say. 

roots & wings

________________________
i think i'm living my life in 
pieces: 
a piece here 
where I call home 
a piece in the future
and in the past
ruing over my cuppa nostalgia
and a piece with you
& you & you & you,
and maybe i'd be lying
if i didn't include you. 
and a home that used to be
and one that may have never
really existed except for in my mind. 
every piece is scattered
across the world 
in places i've never been 
and people i've never met, 
and in lives i shall never 
have the opportunity of 
living.

i've got roots
that i've adopted 
that are as deep 
as the ones sopping up 
the bits of water 
under the sandy riverbed. 
my heart breathes
every trough and crest
from here to the seaside.
but my wings grow 
stronger & stronger 
everyday
steeped with longing
and 
misunderstandings
and promises of 
something more over
that hill, that crest, that valley
that ocean of loneliness.
my heart reaches for 
where the sky melts into 
the sea; that hem of blue
no words can describe -
for the rays dripping
down on the other side of 
the world
as the sun spills under the horizon,
for those little indentations
on the globe
spinning with my lingering
fingerprints.
____________________

sometimes poetry is the only means of untangling my myriads of thoughts.
sometimes i've got too much time on my hands to do so. 
'ello septembre. you're going to be splendid, arentcha? 
xx