dear fifteen.

dear age fifteen, 

I know you want to run. all those nights you sat on the fence and stared up at the hazy hills flecked with november light, you wanted to run.

even now, I have to remind myself that running doesn't solve problems. sometimes, it feels like the world is too small, closing in on you, chocking you. and you need a bit of space to breathe. and sometimes, I known, it feels like it's too big and you want to scream to anyone who will hear you, but your voice feels shaky, unworthy, insignificant.  so you keep quiet, hoping someone will notice your silence. but they don't. everyone's too busy with their own monsters, darling. you're hurting and feel a little bit out of place. okay, a lot out of place. but I want you to remember that it's okay - everyone feels a bit out of place, forgotten, lonely, unloved, and lost at times, and it's okay not to be okay. I'm not going to sugar coat things when I say life is unfair and loving is probably one of the hardest things you're ever going to do. it's going to hurt. and maybe you don't understand why you keep choosing it, why you can't stop loving and feeling so deeply, but that's what the Lord put in you. to keep feeling the pulse of this life. no matter what.

and it's all a process. growing up is a process. 

but you know what? there's always one thing: hope. these are your snapshots of His grace. this is your story: those sleepless nights are the nights that you will feel closest to your Heavenly Father. those broken relationships will be the ones that teach about loving unconditionally. if you let it all. 

you're learning and growing and reaching and stretching. change hurts. change comes slowly, subtly, painfully; and disappointments happen more often than naught. staying takes courage. 

however, one day, you're going to test the wings that you built. you're going to meet so many incredible people - people who love like you do and share the same passions that make your heart beat a little harder. you're going to find purpose - you're going to find love - and nothing's going to stop you from pursuing all that your heart holds dear. you're going to travel, and things that at one point you thought were entirely impossible are going to happen to you. everyday you're going to live in wide-eyed wonder at what the Lord is doing in your life. and you're going to learn how to miss people, genuinely, unselfishly, whole-heartedly. 

one day you're going to fly | & | it will be magnificent.

-- a letter of advice to my younger self who will never read it 
xx